i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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