In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
