Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
