I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
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