I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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