Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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