Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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