The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I have peed in a lot of sinks
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize