Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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