My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
