and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
