That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
