Cold hands, warm shart.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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