I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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