um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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