Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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