He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
