He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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