Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
