I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
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I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
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I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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