Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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