so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
