the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
These 23 Kids Have The Most Overbearing Parents Imaginable
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.