And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
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You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.