My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
