You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
