i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
