man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
