2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
