my mouth tastes like poor choices
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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