Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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