Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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