His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
The power of my boobs compel you
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
