He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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