Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
