I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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