they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
