so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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