I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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