I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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