Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
