She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
