Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
