I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
