i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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