The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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