dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
