I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You're a waste of cheezeits
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
