i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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