The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
