I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
