I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
