In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He felt like a one man threesome
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Every concussion has its silver lining
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
We have so much sex to catch up on
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
