Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
