Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
