I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
