I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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