I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Randomize
