Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
