I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today