I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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